Stuck between holding on and letting go

People think it’s the holding on that makes you strong. But sometimes, it’s [actually] the letting go…

We, as human beings, always find it hard to let go of things that have a special meaning for us. During my first few weeks back in the Philippines, I was still stuck in the memories I have of Taiwan. I even cried during the first few days thinking how blessed I was to be able to go the Everything fell into place when I arrived there and I knew that it was the country that was meant for me. This is what God has meant for me.

I remember the time when I told a friend how amazing it was that we were all there during that time at that given moment of our lives. We could have been somewhere else, living our lives as strangers to each other but we weren’t. We were there, we came to know each other, and we formed memories together. That thought alone amazes me. Life is always surprising if you allow it to unfold by itself. You meet people you never expected to meet and form relationships that are worth keeping (hopefully forever.) That’s why I am so thankful for everything – for all that it took for me to finally be there.

I didn’t want to study there originally. I wanted to study somewhere else but my parents told me otherwise. I was hurting at first but then I trusted and then I let go.

I had the most amazing experiences and it’s not really going back there that will solve everything because to go back there is easy. But the memories, the people, everything that took place – they will only happen once and then never again. This part of my life already took place and it’s over.

Back home, my aunt told me that I seemed to be present only in the most physical sense. The rest of me is somewhere still stuck in Taiwan and some parts in France. That was two weeks ago. It’s been almost a month (one month exactly on February 15) now and I think I’m a little better now. I still think of Taiwan and dear friends but I choose to linger on it only as memories – sweet memories that I will always hold close to my heart. But that is it. They are only memories now and I cannot dwell on that forever for if I do, my own growth as a person stops. I still have a long way to go, much more growing up to do, and I cannot live in that bubble anymore.

This does not mean that I don’t have the hangover from my past experiences or have this sad feelings from time to time because I miss something which I truly hold dear. I still have that. It takes time. Just like a break-up, it takes time to heal and move on. I have been separated from a place I have fallen in love with and even people whom I’ve come to care about – so much. However, what allows me to write this is the fact that I have been able to let go at least a chunk of that yearning to go back and repeat everything all over again.

What I hold on to now and forever, would be the memories.

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