Today is my last day here in my home and with my family. Tomorrow evening, I leave and the rest still lies unknown.
They say people have a great ability to adapt when the need arises. But just as easily, they can resist it. It’s like that for me now. Change is inevitable yet as I allow myself to be a part of that change, I also am resisting it, if not externally, internally – that is, it is within me. I resist the change, the idea of change mainly because it separates me from the people I cherish most and the things that I have grown accustomed to. On the other hand, I also have learned to be flexible and to be flexible I must be with all the sudden changes that are about to happen. This is not just puberty. I have a feeling that this will determine a large chunk of me which involves making decisions in the years to come.
At this very moment, I really cannot put my feelings into a single word. Just as I feel sad, I also feel excited. As I feel scared, I also feel that everything will be okay. As I feel nothing, I also feel everything. This is true. The fact that I’m leaving has still not sunk in me fully yet this mixture of emotions inside of me is quite overwhelming. I welcome it though. I welcome these feelings because it is all part of the experience.
My family has really been wonderful to me – forever loving and supportive. My grandparents kept checking on me countless times telling me do’s and don’ts and asking about everything – my luggage, vitamins, finances, flight details, school details, if I was really ready to do this. Meanwhile, my mom is showing for the first time, that she will miss me. During the earlier months, all she kept saying was that I shouldn’t be so dramatic and show them that I had been crying once I get there. These past two or three weeks though, she was really admitting her sentiments and I felt so touched. At the end of the day, after all those fights, sermons, and misunderstandings, she is my mom and I am her daughter.
My brother too is very sweet and kind to me during these last few days. My dad keeps me reminding about important details and I really felt his concern for me. Lastly, is my aunt, my ninang, who is my live countdown timer. Every time she sees me, she quickly announces, “Two weeks to go! One week to go! Two more days! It’s tomorrow!” With her vast experience with traveling and living abroad for a long time, she got over the emotional part and was the most normal in the family. However, she always gave me tidbits of reminders, tips, and advice which of course, was her way of showing affection. Ha!
I love them and I will miss them greatly. To have such a wonderful family, I feel so blessed by God. I feel thankful and the things they have taught me will always be in my mind as I get my first try at being fully independent.
Tomorrow, I will be out there. I hope that wherever I will go, “may the wind always be at [my] back, and the sun always upon [my] face, and may the wings of destiny carry [me] aloft to dance with the stars. (Blow, 2001)” And at the very end, may they all lead me safely back home.